May Day!

From better, younger days

I've had my ups and downs since I've become single.  Or separated.  Or whatever-the-hell-this-is.  I've had days where it's been sort of peaceful.  That whole complete control of the remote control kind of thing.  There have been other days when it's been a nightmare of epic proportions.  Like the days when I was so sick a few weeks ago that I thought I'd rather die than feel that badly for another moment, but I had dogs and cats and work all to contend with.  My daughter did a great job to help when she could, but she couldn't be here the whole time.  The times on my own when I couldn't walk the dogs - heck, I could barely muster the strength to feed them - that I got to thinking that this whole thing was going to beat me.  Then came May.  Trying to decide on a roofing contractor, a lawn mower that won't start, the whole dog barking complaint situation.  Well, let's just say, it's not getting any better.  And it's just a rough month on principal.  For all of us.  It's Mother's Day for one thing:  that not-so-lovely reminder that I'm half the mother I used to be.  Then it's my daughter's birthday at the end of the month.  The daughter who isn't here to help her sister with me when I'm sick because she's sitting on a corner shelf in a black and gold metal container.  Not trying to be maudlin.  That's just the fact of it.  So, anyway, in case you were wondering, the only party going on at my house is a pity party.  It's not any better in my husband's neck of the woods, so I've avoided calling him to tell him that his failure to change his driver's license cost me $2,000 because I have to pay state income taxes on him.  (Apparently you can live in another state for a long period of time without being an actual resident of it by the simple act of being too lazy to go down to the DMV - wish I'd known that when I moved her and I could have dodged that stupid  EIT tax for a while.)  Another burden to bear alone for now so I can try to let him deal with his own issues.  Life is tossing some interesting challenges my way at the moment.  I'm worried I'm not up to them, and I'm wondering how all the women I know who are single, some by choice, some by circumstance, do it.  And they seem pretty happy -well, some of them at least - about it.  And all of them seem to handle it better than I am at the moment.

I keep thinking back to a conversation I had some years ago with someone at work who was going through a rough patch in her marriage.  I remember telling her in such earnestness that I felt that marriage had outlived its original purpose.  The practical reason for the convention, which had served our ancestors well during times when life was a manual struggle that took two people working constantly to try and manage, is long gone.  Women can earn their own living, go where they want, do what they want and hire contractors to help do what they can't.  None of us, male or female, I argued, needed another person to make them or allow them to be a whole person.  I was arguing my point because I wasn't fond of her husband and was passively urging her to leave him.  But more than that really was the fact that I believed what I was saying.  Now I think back on that and wonder if I was right.  Not that I'm sure that I'm wrong either.  I'm admittedly confused.

Now I wonder if marriage persists into the 21st century because we somehow know in our heart of hearts that it's not so much about the physical labor any longer, but the emotional tolls that are better shared by two than born by one.  That and the fact that with the cost of living, it takes two incomes to keep a roof over one's head.  One that doesn't leak or grow moss anyway.

There is a lot of brain damage that comes with marriage.  It's hard.  But is it better than the alternative?  Is the very fact that there is someone to share the blame with when you make a bad choice of contractors worth fighting over how many hours of hockey at night is going to be on the main television versus how many hours of endless droning on MSNBC?  What is the worth of having someone there to hold you when you make the fateful decision that one of your loyal dogs shouldn't suffer any more?  Does it outweigh the ability to say, "Screw it, I'm going to that Sunday night playoff game!" and not have someone there to guilt you out of it.

I'm not sure about any of it.  That's life I guess.  Do any of us really have the answers to most things?  I don't actually think so.  We sort of lumber on day by day and figure it all out as we go.  All I know for sure is I have such a respect, like never before, for all the single people I know.  You have earned that coveted singular possession of the remote control.  Use it wisely.