I've been ruminating about how people - mainly me - make decisions and why. In my case, I can't really decide if I make them based on emotion, instinct, a careful consideration of the facts, or just a roll of the dice. I realize that might seem strange - that uncertainty about my own thought processes. But, really, how many of us think about how we think? We just do it. But I'm faced with a couple of hard decisions that I've struggled with, so all of that's been on my mind lately. And I can't really get a bead on how my own decision-making process goes because, by my very own estimation, I'm all over the page. Except when it came to what is unquestionably the largest decision one can make in life: where to live (if you want to argue that the larger decision really is who you're going to live with, I'd ask you to consider the divorce rate and then get back to me on that). But, as I sit here in my little post war cottage listening to the sounds of birds chirping outside my window and a distant rumble of a lawnmower - almost a constant at this time of year - I realize I made the decision to buy this house sort of on a wing and a prayer. As many of you know, I never saw the house aside from 16 carefully crafted photos on a Realtor's website until the Saturday night before I was due to buy it on the following Monday. And then I got about 10 minutes as dusk hung heavily around it to get a sense of it so I could go back to Texas and finish packing, plotting where everything would go. When the time came and everything finally arrived here, I realized that I hadn't taken the floor vents into account so all this furniture I had spent the last six weeks envisioning in specific locations wouldn't fit where I had wanted it. Then some of the rooms - mainly my office -weren't nearly as large as they were in my imagination. And then the cruelest surprise of all - the low ceiling and narrow staircase made it impossible to get my four poster bed and cherrywood armoire upstairs. So the armoire sits in the dining room holding my china and table linens while a chest designated for my dining room holds my shorts and bathing suits, and my four poster frame sits in the garage, while I use Marissa's bed and she uses the twin bed meant as a spare. Necessity: the mother of invention. Necessity can be a real bitch.
But, here we are. Settled in with a lot of the crap I thought I couldn't possibly live without (all those Star Wars collectibles...) up in the attic. And, for all my griping about the constant maintenance required on a house that's older than me, I like this little old house. It's comfortable. Meaning it has a good aura. If that sounds weird to you, then so be it. But I do think houses have a sense to them. It's why, as much as I've cussed this decision many times when spending all my weekends trying to maintain it, I wanted an older house. A house that has some history to draw from. And I like this one. And as small as it is, it's big enough for us. Not the kitchen. But everything else. So, I guess making a decision on a wing and a prayer worked out this time.
So, why is it that I drive around and see all these bigger, "better" houses with stained glass windows and wrap around porches that I feel jealous and covetous? Maybe because I'm human. And it's a natural trait to always want to reach upwards for more than we have. But I was struck the other day about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder when one of the workers here to install a new roof bummed a cigarette from my daughter and exclaimed, "This is a nice house!" Of course when she told me that I thought rather cruelly that if he worked a little harder and bummed a few less cigarettes from his clients, he could have a nicer house too. But, it also made me stop to think that, compared to most people in the world, we are pretty lucky. We've got what we need. And I've got a roof over my head that doesn't leak. I should be grateful for what I have, not worried about what I don't. So, that's what I'm going to do: dog hating neighbors and all. I'm going to be content with my little old house in the middle of my street!
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